I saw a quote today,
you grow into the woman your younger self would run to for protection
and it made so much sense. Growing up, there was so much injustice everywhere I looked
and mistrust. I was always looking for signs on who to go for softness, for understanding, for
kindness.
This one-time during rush hour, I was crossing the road and where I was the vehicles were at
a standstill. My nine-year-old brain figured it would be the same on the other side. I snaked
my way between cars only to find an oncoming matatu like 50 meters away from throwing me
into the air. I run as fast as my legs could carry me screaming, my heart almost pumping out
of my chest and went and hugged the first person in front of me. She was with her friend who
kept saying I must have been really scared while she was busy peeling me away from her. I
was probably cracking her bones as I held as tightly as I could. I let go shaking all the way
home and did not tell anyone unless I wanted a scolding and a beating.
When I saw those two lines on my test kit that read, I was HIV positive, this was crazy in so
many ways for me. Leaving that testing room, I did not picture anyone I could go tell, hug and
cry to even. I just took my crying baby from a friend who was waiting outside wondering if I
should breastfeed him or not and went completely numb. By the end of that year, I knew I
had to step into that gap and hug or encourage someone through such moments. All I ever
wanted was kindness and softness that did not want anything back. I would give just that.
Few years later, I was introduced to a big space of others living with HIV who were bold and
with the same goal I had. I was introduced to organisations and the technicalities of it that
was full time job. I never thought this was possible. There was so much to do and not so many
of us. Sauti Skika, first network of adolescent living with HIV in Kenya was born and I was in
the driver’s seat. This brought so many of us together and we got to see all we could be and
do and we were not a small number anymore. Then so many other roles both local and
international were opened up for me. I started seeing patterns slowly and figuring where I fit
in all of it.
4M was one platform that felt like home. I was trained as a mentor mother and able to show
kindness, give hugs and encourage others in their moment of shock, disbelief and heartbreak.
I did not quickly peel them away. I also got to be hugged and experience all that I was sharing
with others from wonderful women. It felt nice to be seen comforted and invested in. This is
how Positive Young Women Voices came to being and I was doing the work where I grew up,
changing the narrative for a girl or young woman like I wished someone did for me.
Because I was so angry at all the injustices I had seen, I thought being loud and always ready
for a fight was advocacy. And so, I shouted, screamed, did so many weird things that make me
look back and cringe. When I scanned around, those I emulated allowed their femininity to
take centre stage and they would still be heard and engaged. Their points would be recorded
and they had solid asks. This is who I wanted to be, not a ball that would be bounced around
by people who did not care for me as much as I thought they did.
I was tired of being in the menu and my standing in the gap for others had to take a different
shape. I took myself back to school, spoke when I needed to and asked advice more from
those I looked up to or did what they did. I figured my values included family, community and
honesty and I inclined towards this.
In this space as so many other spaces you will find yourself in, people know you based on how
you present yourself and they put you in a certain place where you have showed them you fit
in. If you do not like where you are or think you could be in a better place, you align who you
are to this so that people can put you in the place you want. When I stopped with the
shouting and causing chaos, the ones who knew me as such had no place for me anymore.
This was okay because I met others in the new level who had the perfect place for me. This
keeps changing as I keep changing and you know what they say, change is the only constant
thing.
As you figure out your place in the advocacy space, you will not have it all worked out in the
first instance. Allow yourself to learn through your mistakes and those of others and once you
know better, do better. Why are you doing what you are doing? Which version of you will be
looking to you and feel protected by this version of you? I know my younger self would pick
me out in a crowd now because I have worked to get to this version of me. The one who can
shield others and me from the injustices of the world as much as I can with kindness and
softness. Now I am working on the older version of me, where the me of now can say is their
soft landing.